DOLLARS AND SENSE

Common sense answers to questions on personal finance

by Joe Plemon 

Q:  My husband and I have been married two years.  We were both in our 40’s when we got married, and it is the first marriage for both of us.   The problem is that I think we ought to combine our finances but he insists that we keep separate accounts, like we had before we were married.  What do you recommend?  

A:  When the preacher pronounced you man and wife, he proclaimed that the two of you are one.  To continue to keep separate accounts is contradictory to your wedding vows.

              I urge you to hold your ground.  Your husband is probably a really good guy (or your wouldn’t have married him) who is having trouble making the adjustments of being married.  Explain to him that this is more than a discussion about bookkeeping.   Money in marriage represents your joint value system.  When the two of you thoroughly discuss your budget, your savings, your purchases, your retirement plans and your giving, you are actually agreeing on the values that your marriage represents.  You cannot share these values until you agree to share your money.

          I stress the importance of this issue because keeping your money separate is a setup for marital conflict.  When each partner has “my” money, the one with the most tends to try to control the other by doling out an allowance or not allowing the other an equal say.  The marriage relationship begins to resemble a parent-child relationship, giving one partner too much power and demeaning the other. Your man should be willing to take a bullet for his wife.  He should also be willing to equally share all household income.
         If he will not bend, then I suggest that you get some quality marriage counseling to get to the root of the problem.  I wish your well as you work through this sticky issue.